Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." - Mark Twain

Stefan,

You're bound to tick someone off when starting a music jokes thread. But personally, I love them. There's nothing quite as much fun at poking fun at our own stereotypes.

Drew

ahh, we all need to lighten up now and again. if anyone gets upset, it is probably a string or woodwind player. but, never a brass player.

there, i said. let the games begin.

Paul Desmondisms:

1. "I have won several prizes as the world's slowest
alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for
quietness."

2. "I was unfashionable before anyone knew who I was."

3. "I tried practising for a few weeks and ended up
playing too fast."

4. "I think I had it in the back of my mind that I
wanted to sound like a dry martini."

5. On the secret of his tone: "I honestly don't know!
It has something to do with the fact that I play
illegally."

6. When asked what accounted for the melancholy in his
playing: "Wellllll, the fact that I'm not playing
better.

7. He was an English major in college. His reason for
not pursuing a literary career, "I could only write at
the beach, and I kept getting sand in my typewriter."

8. "Writing is like jazz. It can be learned, but it
can't be taught."

9. Of writer Jack Kerouac he said, "I hate the way he
writes. I kind of love the way he lives, though."

10. Of Vogue fashion models, he said, "Sometimes they
go around with guys who are scuffling for a while. But
usually they end up marrying some cat with a factory.
This is the way the world ends, not with a whim but a
banker."

11. "Sometimes I get the feeling that there are orgies
going on all over New York City, and somebody says,
`Let's call Desmond,' and somebody else says, 'Why
bother? He's probably home reading the Encyclopaedia
Britannica."

12. His response to the annoying banality of an
interviewer, "You're beginning to sound like a cross
between David Frost and David Susskind, and that is a
cross I cannot bear."

13. Shortly before the Dave Brubeck Quartet disbanded,
"We're working as if it were going out of style -
which of course it is."

14. Of yogurt he said, "I don't like it, but Dave is
always trying things like that. He's a nutritional
masochist. He'll eat anything as long as he figures
it's good for him."

15. Of contact lenses: "Not for me. If I want to tune
everybody out, I just take off my glasses and enjoy
the haze"

16. Ornette Coleman's playing, "It's like living in a
house where everything's painted red."

17. On seeing Barbara Jones' oil painting of four cats
stalking a mouse said, "Ah, the perfect album cover
for
when I record with the Modern Jazz Quartet." When it
was pointed out that the mouse was mechanical, Desmond
responded, "In that case, Cannonball will have to make
the record."

18. Desmond's fondness for scotch was well known. So
in early 1976 when a physical examination showed lung
cancer, he was ironically pleased that his liver was
fine. "Pristine, perfect. One of the great livers of
our time. Awash in Dewars and full of health."

I think we could use a joke after yesterday's intensity and I'm sure everyone has heard it so here goes:

"What is the difference in size between a violin and a viola?"

answer: "No difference. The violin simply appears smaller because the violinist's head is so much larger."

-anon

any other jokes about violin or viola???

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

a few of my favorite jokes:

Two trombone players walk by a bar...........it could happen.

How do you tell if the stage is level? The violist drools out of both sides of the mouth.

(sorry viola players, the only jokes against violin players that I have would not be acceptable on this page, they are just that good!)

What is a trombone player with out a girlfriend? Homeless.

How do you make a trombone player go away? Pay for the pizza.

Q. How do you make a euphonium sound like a french horn?
A. Put your hand in the bell and play alot of wrong notes.

Q. What do you call a violist with a pager?
A. An optimist.

Q. What's the configuration of a Curits String Quartet?
A. One really good violinist, one ok violinist, one former violinist, and someone that's sick of violinists.

Drew

A dad talks to his kid when he comes home from school. "How was your first day of orchestra, son". "Fine dad, I chose to play the bass. It's the biggest of all, and today we learned about the E string. We played rhythms on the E string, too." Dad goes, "wow, that sounds fun. Let me know what you do tomorrow."

Next day, "how was orchestra?" Kid says, "great! We learned about the A string today, and played rhythms on the A string AND the E string too!" "That's awesome, son. Keep up the good work".

Next day, "how was orchestra son?".

Kid says, "dunno. I had a gig".

I love these jokes!

I've got two:

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up a viola.

(sorry, violists, I know you've heard that one ten million times)

Q: Why are viola jokes so short?

A: So violinists can understand them.

I don't get it

You can get about 80 pages of music jokes here. Found this about 5 years ago.

http://www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes/

Matt

quote:

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Originally posted by hazmat:
You can get about 80 pages of music jokes here. Found this about 5 years ago.

http://www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes/

Matt

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funny, i was just going to recommend that site! it's TERRIFIC! especially the "ways for orch. players to keep the conductor in line", or whatever that was. good stuff!

How can you tell there's a trombonist at the door?

The doorbell drags.

First, Great site for the joke archive!

What's the difference between and oboe and a '57 Chevy?

You can tune the '57 Chevy!