blog #3

Life in the Tropics/Life in the Trenches

I was out on my nightly walk with my dog tonight and was musing about where to go with this blog. I always get my best ideas when I’m out walking - that or in the shower- and sure enough an idea hit me.

Write about the termites!

We all know about the usual musician hazards of hearing loss, repetitive stress injury, and the occasional story (I actually saw this one in the ‘National Inquirer’) of the screech trumpeter keeling over, dead from a brain embolism.

But there are other more minor but no less annoying hazards of being a musician.

In my orchestra there is a musician who is known for being a target: a light bulb on the head here, a sword from a mouse during Nutcracker there, and so on. I cannot tell you the instrument this musician plays as it would inspire too many jokes. (Yes, that is a clue)

The stage can be a hazardous place. A trombonist in Ottawa fell off a riser a few years ago and successfully sued for loss of future income due to his injuries. (To add insult to injury, his settlement award was reduced as he had never won an audition and likely would have had a free-lancing career.) I saw a news clip of an entire orchestra in Sao Paulo Brazil falling as the risers collapsed. (No word of any successful suits there- maybe the labor laws are more lenient in Brazil)

Anyway, last Sunday was Mother’s Day. The Honolulu Symphony presented a concert with Diana Krall at the Waikiki Shell, a venerable old structure that is a replica of the Hollywood Bowl. During the first half, a swarm of termites, perhaps inspired by the music, decided that it would be a great time to swarm, and proceeded to do just that. Fortunately for me I only had to hear about it second hand, as I was rotated off of that concert, but the way my wife described it I doubt it enhanced the concert much.

http://starbulletin.com/2005/05/10/features/story2.html

We haven’t had a termite swarm at a concert for a long time. The last one I can remember was in an old school gym. Playing ‘La Gaza Ladra’ in the midst of a cloud of insects is a scene only Salvador Dali or Samuel Beckett could do justice. Made us wish for some magpies to appear and eat up the bugs!

I remember one of my bassoon teachers talking about the joy of inhaling a bug just before the big Bolero bassoon solo. A termite in the mouth would probably be worse, as they have these big wings. Ugh!

For the second half of the concert, the audience got a turn with the fun as the clouds opened up and there was a lovely tropical downpour. My teenage daughter was out there wearing her new birthday dress. Great! She hasn’t gone to one of our concerts for years- at this rate she won’t go again until she’s 30.

That’s a hazard of outdoor concerts- the inevitable rainstorm that ruins everything. The only time that I remember an audience member saying that the rain enhanced the concert was once a long time ago (and far far away) when we were doing a Star Wars program with lasers. The rain made the laser effect even more spectacular, I was told. I don’t know myself. I was too busy trying not to look at the lights so that I would be able to read the music. Nothing worse than trying to perform while blinded by a laser.

And then there’s the 1812 Overture. We gave a concert at the Shell a long time ago, accompanied by enormous canons from the military. Unfortunately, the zoo is just across the road from the shell and at the very last minute the police came over and said that we couldn’t use the canons as it would cause the zoo animals to become hysterical. The stage crew put gunpowder in coffee cans and set electric fuses within. No time for rehearsal. At the given moment, the coffee cans exploded right on cue. Right next to the ‘cello section! Once the smoke had cleared, more than half of the ‘cello section and a few bass players were gone, fleeing the stage for safer ground.

Who’s got more stage horror stories? Send ‘em in and we can compile a list.

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